On Independence

A few years ago, I broke both of my ankles while hiking in Costa Rica. While the circumstances that led up to it all happening could be a whole book in itself (let’s just say it involved a swarm of wasps and a 6.7 magnitude earthquake), what happened after my accident is actually the much better story.

This is the story of getting close to my father…and my Father.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I have very vivid (and sometimes funny too) dreams. I remember most of them in detail. That is also when God talks to me.

My trip home from Costa Rica really sucked. I remember crying the entire time on the plane because I was in so much pain. I didn’t have my casts on yet. I was just wrapped in the Ace bandages all of the way up to my knees. I could not walk on my own feet and could only go in a wheelchair. 

My father came down from Buffalo to help take care of me. That Monday, I found out that I had broken both of my ankles. I was going to be in double casts and in a wheel chair for a long long time.

I was really really pissed. I became the ultimate bed bitch (cause I couldn’t do a dang thing) to my father who was just trying to help me. 

A little background information here…My dad and I had kind of a sorted past. Our relationship could be a little tumultuous at times when I was younger. He and I weren’t close when I was growing up. As time has passed, dad and I have worked on our relationship a lot since those days and we are really very close now, which is awesome.

Back to my bed bitchiness….boy was I a jerk. I had a major pity party for myself. I lost all of my independence and someone had to take care of me. I didn’t like it one bit. I could not do ANYTHING (that is what it felt like…but it was really partly true). Close your eyes and picture yourself for a moment with 2 casts on your legs. Think about any daily activity and imagine what could and could not be done with casts on both legs. It sucked.

Once particular night, during the epitome of me feeling sorry for myself, I snapped at my dad when he tried to move my pillow under my legs. I cried myself to sleep that night because I no longer was self-reliant. I was really such a jerk. All I could think about is everything I could not do and my attitude just got worse and worse.

I finally fell asleep. Then I began to dream. God had something important to tell me.

All I remember is being in the dark and hearing a voice. I wasn’t scared or anything, I felt at peace. The voice said, “Jennifer, you had become too independent. I am fixing that for you right now. Now is the time to be dependent on your Father. Let Him take care of you. Enjoy your time and build your relationship with your Dad. Don’t waste this precious time.”

And then I understood.

I woke up crying that morning. This time, it was a cry of joy. I called my dad in and I told him that I was sorry and that I was so appreciative of him coming to my rescue when I needed him the most. From that day on, our relationship has flourished. I enjoyed every minute of him being there and let him help me. I also worked on my relationship with my other Father. 

When I acknowledged my neediness, I grew closer to both of my Fathers. I thanked God for this difficult time because through it, I realized my insufficiency was the key to further developing our relationship. Along the way, I discovered all of the beautiful things around me. My injury was a gift and I was thankful for the powerful lesson. God just had His own way of showing me so that I would actually listen.

My attitude, along with my entire disposition, changed that morning. It also served an additional important lesson about mindset that I have carried with me- your gratitude fixes your attitude. My level of happiness shot up a trillion points that day, not because my experience changed…but because how I looked at it changed.

Thank you, Jesus.