Just Breathe

Well here I am, 3 months into my “great pause” of 2020. My lung issues continue to plague me even though my clots are disintegrated from my body. 

This recovery has been a long one, definitely much longer and more arduous than I had ever dreamed of. I don’t know what I was thinking…like I was going to get out of the hospital and then magically get back to my “before almost dying” life. My cardiologist gently reminds me that I need to be patient with everything and that The Man Upstairs has a plan for me because I should not be alive right now. It is a weird thing to think about…evidently when I finally went into the hospital, I was within days of dying from heart failure and “massive” (that is the words he used) clots in my lungs. I was walking around somewhat clueless (maybe more like denial) as to the severity of my illness.

Still, the Type A soul in me sure wants to heal faster. Geesh God! You are the one who made me impatient…remember? Ha ha.

I still struggle to breathe and I get out of breath doing the most simple things. I have gone through lots of tests to see what else is going on and now I wait….and wait.

“Everything is taking longer because of COVID” is the excuse I keep hearing as to why stuff is taking so long. I am not sure how reading pulmonary tests take 2 weeks because of Covid…but whatever.

In the meantime, I just keep waiting…cause there is nothing else I can do.

People ask me if I am worried. It is a valid question. What if I have an awful disease caused by my clots?

Worry sucks. It doesn’t change anything. Worry is a worthless waste and it is worldly. Its whacked out face weakens our weary wits. It withdraws us…makes us woeful and wonky. It is wretched and wimpy. It’s the worst and it’s wrong.

WOW.

How is that for alliteration? I am laughing about how all of that came together. Nonetheless, it is all true. Worry is totally dumb.

God doesn’t want us to worry! He wants us to trust Him. Worry is fear. You know how many times it says, “Fear not” in the Bible? 365. One for each and every day. What do you think that God wants to pound in our hard little heads?  Everything will be OK. I have a plan. I promise. Stop freakin’ worrying.

Worry not only erodes our minds and lives, it literally accomplishes nothing. Not ONE SINGLE THING. We cannot control the past and we cannot control the future. God will provide. He promises that to all of us.

The only thing that I can do is trust Him. He tells us over and over that we are His children and we have nothing to fear. He is with us, for us. When we waste our time worrying, we ruin the present moment that we are in.

So I just take one day at a time. I have my good days and I have my bad days. I enjoy each moment as it comes. I ask Jesus to be my shepherd every morning and then I go about my day.

When the diagnosis comes, I won’t let it rule me or make me into whatever I have. I won’t be bitter or sad. I will live my life with purpose, just like I do now.

I do ask God to heal me and if that is His plan, I know He will. BUT, I don’t worry about it. Everything is going to be ok.

God also reminds me every day that things are done on His time, not mine. So when I get impatient with my recovery, I get a nudge. Okay Okay. I will take this time to heal properly and I will enjoy it.

And I have. I got to write a book that I would never have been able to write had I still been working full-time. Maybe that is the reason for all of this. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am so grateful for the time I have been given. I am so thankful for the people that surround me. I am appreciative for the overwhelming peace that I have found through my relationship with God.